Fun With Press Releases: Because sometimes, the beauty industry just goofs.

From: XXXX
Sent: Tue, June 8, 2010 12:54:46 PM
Subject: Womens News: Genetic Test Determines Likelihood Of Cellulite

Dear Ms. XXXX:

As part of your coverage of women’s issues, I thought you or one of your colleagues would want to see this press release. It crossed over BusinessWire at about 10:45 AM eastern time today:

Genetic Test Helps Determine Likelihood Of Cellulite – Before The Swimsuit Makes You Look Fat

Genetic Dermatology R&D Company XXXX Launches Cellulite Gene Test

IRVINE, CA, JUNE 8, 2010 — As summer swimsuit season heats up, women around the world will inspect their looks in the mirror. A majority of them will see cellulite – at some point – but a new genetic test may be able to help them avoid cellulite before anyone notices.

Molecular dermatology research and development innovator XXXX today releases the Cellulite Gene Test for Moderate to Severe Cellulite (gynoid lipodystrophy). The $249 test helps doctors predict if a patient is at a high risk for developing Nurnberger-Muller grade 2 (or greater) cellulite. The information allows a doctor to develop a plan which may include therapy and/or lifestyle changes that may reduce the risk of developing moderate to severe cellulite.

Existing therapies are unlikely to reverse severe cellulite once it has occurred; however, early lifestyle changes including exercise, medication choices (i.e. avoiding birth control and hormone replacement therapy), and therapies, such as laser therapy, may slow or stop development of severe cellulite and improve visual aesthetics.

“Even though cellulite affects a large percentage of women, very few scientific studies have attempted to understand the underlying molecular and physiological basis. Our study of cellulite is a breakthrough in the understanding of the cause of cellulite, and ushers an era of new potential therapies for cellulite,” says XXXXX MD, Research fellow, at the University of XXXX, Italy.

Cellulite Gene Test reports the presence or absence of a specific variation in the angiotensin I-converting enzyme (ACE) gene, which has an important role in the cardiovascular system.

“The Cellulite Gene Test is most appropriate for women who have not yet developed moderate to severe cellulite and may have a family history of cellulite,” says XXXX CEO XXXX.

A patient testing positive for the ACE variant has approximately a 70% chance of developing moderate to severe cellulite.

The patent-pending Cellulite Gene Test kit is available through qualified doctors, who collect a genetic sample using a cheek swab. The sample is mailed to XXXX’s CLIA-certified laboratory for analysis. Results are strictly confidential, delivered only to doctors in two to three weeks.

So let’s break this down:

1. A cellulite gene test? Obviously, this is “women’s news.” (Yes missing an apostrophe above but I had to correct it down here.)

2. “A majority of them will see cellulite – at some point – but a new genetic test may be able to help them avoid cellulite before anyone notices.” Translation: Most of you are already f*cked. But if you’re totally paranoid and zeroing in on cellulite not yet visible to the naked eye, you’re going to want to drop $249 on this test. Which will tell you that you’re going to get cellulite.

3. “Gynoid lipodystrophy” and “Nurnberger-Muller grade 2 cellulite.” Please tell me one of you fine readers is a doctor and can tell us whether these are legit medical terms or the in the same Fake Medicine category as hypotrichosis (“having inadequate eyelashes” as diagnosed by Brooke Shields). Actually, I don’t think we need a doctor for that. I’m just going out on a limb here and say: Thigh dimples are not a medical condition. Bring it on, haters.

4. “The information allows a doctor to develop a plan […] that may reduce the risk of developing moderate to severe cellulite.” Or it may not. You can pay all this money, try the various “therapy and/or lifestyle changes” and still have to learn to live with… thigh dimples.

5. “Very few scientific studies have attempted to understand” cellulite. Because it’s cellulite. Even the word sounds like an infomercial product.

6. “A patient testing positive for the ACE variant has approximately a 70% chance of developing moderate to severe cellulite.” I will put the eleven dollars I made in Beauty U tips tonight on the fact that a patient testing negative for the ACE variant has an equal chance of developing cellulite by sitting on their tuckus.

7. “Results are strictly confidential.” Well. Thank. God. Because if there’s one thing this press release proves, it’s that we’re not ready to accept the Cellulite-Positive woman.

I Googled around for a good image for this post, but all that comes up are shots of women squeezing their thighs to showcase their dimples. Can’t do it. Stop squeezing your thighs. They’re fine.